MEMO TO MEN: 3 reasons I'd make a better Bachelorette

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MEMORANDUM
TO: Men all over the planet
FROM: Melissa
RE: Re-inventing the Bachelorette
DATE: May 28, 2013

So, boys, it's come to my attention (thanks, Twitter...) that there's a new Bachelorette in town. I hear she started her quest last night to find Mr. Right. I didn't get a chance to DVR the episode -- my DVR is filled to the brim with Mad Men and a season and a half of Gossip Girl -- but all this frenzied excitement surrounding this newest gal and her suitors-in-waiting made me think of one thing: My own dreams of yore. Yes, as hard as it is to believe, I once dreamed of being one of those starry-eyed, rose-wielding bachelorettes

And, well, if I'm being completely honest, maybe a part of me still does. I mean, remember my Bachelorette Quest from a few years ago? Yeah, I know, it was pretty gosh darn epic, wasn't it? So with that in mind, boys, I give you some new testimony -- three reasons why I'd make a fabulous bachelorette...

You could be my first time
No, no, you silly boys, I'm not talking about that sort of first time. I'm talking about the first-date-and-first-kiss kind. And yes, I know it would be broadcast on national television. And yes, I know I'd be pretty nervous -- we're talking might-be-shaking-palms-sweating nervous. But I promise you that it will be real, so if I'm that nervous, I can only imagine how nervous you'll be.

I'll be real and honest
There's that word again. Real. Something that is sadly lacking in reality television in 2013, which makes me miss the early days of shows like The Real World and American Idol. But I digress. My turn as the Bachelorette? I can guarantee that I'd give you one dose of real, boys, and I'd expect you to give me nothing less in return.

One word: Diversity
Let me be real again for a moment -- there hasn't been much diversity when it comes to those bachelorettes. A change of hair color is about as diverse as things will get. But just think of all the sorts of diversity I'd bring; it's pretty safe to say there hasn't really been a person like me on network TV. The time has come, don't you think, boys? If for no other reason than to show the world that women with disabilities are just like other women with the same hopes, dreams, fears and -- gasp! -- desires!

It's time to start changing the world, boys! I'd say it's time to gather 25 of you, give me a rose and watch those sparks fly! Are you with me? xoxo

NYC Diaries: The one in which I learn to own my 'flaws'

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When I was a little girl, I was a big fan of Disney princess movies. I wanted to be glamorous and pretty just like them, and I wanted more than anything for my own personal Prince Charming to fall madly in love with me for being so glamorous and pretty. It seemed like a practical and obvious dream at the time. If Cinderella could attract her perfect man with just a warm smile and a kind heart (being a princess seemed to require a kind heart, didn't it?), why shouldn't I aspire to do the same? Well, I’m an adult now. And love is complicated, to say the least.

So I've spent half my life obsessing over improving my looks and striving to be stick-skinny in hopes that I’d attract Mr. Right. I've spent countless hours in front of my bedroom mirror trying to minimize the appearance of my physical disability, certain that my future prince would not be attracted by a hunk of metal that made up my artificial left arm. I thought I had everything figured out, and I believed I’d live a happy life if I was pretty enough to catch his eye and nice enough to keep him interested. I never considered that maybe the thing that I so desperately tried to hide exactly what a guy could fall for.

In my (albeit somewhat limited) dating experience, I've always been a sucker for the classic compliments every girl wants to hear: “you’re beautiful,” “you’re so sweet." And those are great, but recently someone tried a completely different line. He told me that he was attracted by my strength, which was a trait I never gave much thought to in terms of impressing a guy. He said that I seemed like the kind of girl who could get through anything and still put on a brave face afterward. And yes, he mentioned how my disability contributed to that.

This boggled my mind. In previous relationships, my physical difference had been something to overlook or accept. It was never something I thought of as an asset. But now I can appreciate my disability as part of who I am and as something that has given me the strength I rely on today. And now that I've grown to love myself and become much more confident, I realize that that courage I rock on a daily basis is pretty damn hot.

So maybe I’m not a Disney princess, perfectly pretty and put-together, but I know how to own my flaws. And I also know now that the perfect guy for me will be attracted by the things, glamorous or not, that make me who I am and by the strength behind my struggles.

Read my blog, LIKE me on Facebook and FOLLOW me on Twitter for more! 

--By Caitlin from Stream of Caitlinness

[Top print by Rep Set Goal; other photos via We Heart It]

Letters To My Future Husband: Letter #168.

FREE IMAGES Dear Mr. Melissa Blake:

I was looking through some of my old writing today, Sweetpea, and I came across one of my favorite Dating With Disabilities columns. Now, I can almost guarantee that I'm going to be a bit shy when we first meet -- strange, I know -- so it might take you a bit longer to figure me out. And that's when it hit me: I should just give you the following introductory letter...

So who am I, really, besides just a girl sitting behind a computer screen and giving you an inside look at my heart and my thoughts? I’m the girl who can usually be found wearing a chic polo shirt (red is my favorite!). I'm the girl who is a bit awkward, a bit dorky and still a bit innocent. I'm the girl who isn't afraid to laugh at herself. I'm the girl who still, at 31, celebrates her half birthday. I'm the girl who colors outside the lines. I'm the girl who is bold and confident, though I’m not sure men have picked up on my boldness back here in 2013. I'm the girl who likes to leave a little mystery behind her. I'm the girl who writes about anything and everything in her life, even the boys she falls madly in love with who don't even know she exists. I'm the girl who is still so shy that she gives said boys code names in said writing (you'll see....). I’m the girl who’s mastered the art of loving from afar, but ultimately, never having the courage to tell the gorgeous, sweet, funny, charming guy that he is, in fact, gorgeous, sweet, funny and charming. Or when I try, it always ends up not sounding anywhere near as sleek and sophisticated as it did in my head. I'm the girl who thinks imperfections are beautiful and sexy.

And I’m also the girl who has overcome great obstacles – 27 surgeries, countless hospitalizations and enough needle pokes to last me two lifetimes – despite being born with a physical disability. I've never let it define who I am or my life.

I can't say I have all that much experience in the world of love, romance and the intensity of relationships that drives people to do crazy things in the name of love. In all honesty, when it comes to said relationships (especially those involving the opposite sex), my run-ins have all had three things in common: dorky, awkward and quirky. But I do know I'll find The Big L someday. I do know I'll find you someday, Sweetpea. Until we meet... xoxo

[Photos via Le Love]

Disability PSA...

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I saw this on Facebook a couple days ago, and I just couldn't resist posting it...there are several people I'd like to give this to. Or even better, how cool would a huge poster be? Ahh, the possibilities... xoxo

 

P.S. Remember when I debunked disability myths for Glamour?

Love Lounge: My revised "List" (and one surprising revelation)

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So, friends, after we talked about our relationship must-haves last week, I got to thinking more about that little list I made when I was 17. I admit that, back then, the list was the be-all and end-all for me. I remember sitting at my desk in my room one summer night and painstakingly drafting each of the 12 must-have qualities in my journal; you'd think I was crafting the Declaration of Independence with the attention I was giving it. I mean, it was super, super specific (example: He must have a Chandler Bing sense of humor...). At the time, it was as important to me as any historical document ever was -- maybe even more important because it fully reflected me and what I wanted. Looking back now, I can't help but see it as more of a snapshot in time -- a snapshot of my life when I was a wee teenager, It reflected my life at the time, and when I completed my 12-point masterpiece? Well, let's just say I walked around with a pretty big smile on my face for quite awhile.

But now, some 14 years later (yikes!), the list just seems, well, extra complicated. It's needlessly complicated, if you will. He must have this. He can't have this. He must do this. He can't do this. Ahhh! It all makes my head spin these days, and my perspective on the whole list has changed. Maybe it's because I'm older and have a bit more life experience. Maybe it's because I've started to realize that life doesn't always work out exactly the way we want it to. Or maybe it's because my priorities have changed over the years. Whatever the reason for my changing view, one thing is resoundingly clear: The list needs a long-overdue makeover. It needs to reflect 31-year-old me instead of the 17-year-old me of the past. My new list? It's a pretty small one, but make no mistake -- it still packs a powerful punch. Maybe a more powerful punch than the old list. So in celebration of moving forward, I gave you the Top 3 H's of a relationship that are most important to me...

Heart
Let's face it, without heart, you've got nothing. A guy's got to have a good heart -- the deep kind that make you feel like you've found your home after years and years of searching. A guy with a soul is a very attractive guy indeed.

Humor
I'm always going to need humor in my life. One of things that made my parents' marriage look so easy, I think, was their ability to have fun and laugh. They were always smiling whenever they were in the same room -- those sorts of smiles that were so infectious that you just couldn't stop yourself from smiling too.

Hushed conversations
OK, so I'm stretching with this one a bit. I wanted to have the importance of talking in the mix, so I got creative and tacked on an adjective to the word 'conversation,' but the sentiment is still true. I want to be with someone that I can talk to -- about anything. And, they don't always have to be those super deep, long, emotional talks either; there's something to be said for a relationship where two people are fully comfortable and content to just shoot the breeze. It sounds ideal.

And, one more little revelation? I noticed I never even mention my disability in my 12-point list of yore. Not even once. No mention of a guy having to accept my disability and see past it. No mention of making sure my disability isn't some sort of dealbreaker. Looking at the list now, you'd probably have no idea I was even physically disabled. It's almost like it didn't exist. That sort of blows my mind, you know? Because back, then, maybe it didn't take up so much head space for me. Was I more self-confident? More innocent and naive? It's something to think about, isn't it?

 

Have you ever given your list a makeover? Why? What did you add? What did you delete? What do you think your list will look like in 5 or 10 years? xoxo

[Photos via We Heart It]

NYC Diaries: Rejection isn't confined to disabilities

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During last week's Women Tell All episode of The Bachelor, there was a scene where limb-different contestant Sarah Herron spills all about the pain she felt after Sean Lowe told her she was not the one for him. ”It’s the worst to be told ‘you’re great, but you’re not good enough for me,’” she says. “I always fall back on, ‘Oh well, it must be because I have one arm.’” It’s a heartbreaking moment as the audience sees Sarah fighting back tears. And it brought me back to the times when no boys wanted to dance with me at parties and my 6th-grade crush told me my shorter arm was ugly. So for the sake of honesty here, I’ll confess this: I cried after watching the show. I know exactly how Sarah felt, and I cried for her and for myself and for any girl living with a physical difference in a superficial world.

 

But here’s the thing that may just shed a little light on this sort of situation: We’ve all been there. Turn on the TV or pick up a book or magazine, and I doubt you’ll have too much trouble finding a scene where a beautiful and seemingly perfect girl with two arms faces rejection from the guy she wants. Rejection is not a phenomenon exclusive to women with disabilities. Dating isn’t easy for anyone. And when it comes down to it, a disability isn’t an automatic deal-breaker for most people. Just because you’re missing a limb or use a wheelchair doesn’t mean that all guys are going to reject you.

I know I’ve been very insecure about my arm throughout my life, but I feel comfortable knowing that my boyfriend loves all of me as I am. He’s there for me, and he’s happy with the way I look, even with messy hair and 1.5 arms. And through his eyes, I’ve learned to see that I’m not alone and that I’m worth loving.

Rejection just plain sucks sometimes. But when you do find someone who really loves you and who you can connect with and be vulnerable with, you’ll realize that all the hurts and heartbreaks kind of just fade away.

 

Read my blog, LIKE me on Facebook and FOLLOW me on Twitter for more!

--By Caitlin from Stream of Caitlinness

NYC Diaries: My 100-Word Love Story

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I hated Valentine’s Day, but we’d just started dating and wanted to spend time together. I met him in the school library so we could hang out, not expecting his surprise. He’d arranged a desk with romantic gifts: a teddy bear, a box of marshmallow Peeps (my favorite), a rose and a homemade card. I opened the card and saw the words I hadn’t expected: I love you. Then he spoke the words aloud and kissed me. Yes, our first I-love-yous were on the corniest holiday of the year. But it was perfect. And 2 years later, we’re still together.

Read my blog, LIKE me on Facebook and FOLLOW me on Twitter for more!

--By Caitlin from Stream of Caitlinness

NYC Diaries: On disabilities and love

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This is a topic Melissa is waaay better (and probably far more comfortable) at writing about than I am, but as a woman living with a disability, I do have some input about the whole thing. I was born without a left arm past the elbow, so I know what it’s like to have a physical difference that some might think would make it hard for me to date. Although I haven’t jumped into the dating game in a while (I’ve been with my current boyfriend, Chris, for over two years now), I realize that a disability can be a bit of a challenge when it comes to getting guys to see you as desirable. It’s not that people with disabilities can’t be desirable. That’s not the case at all. However, I do think the media needs to step it up in terms of how they portray anyone with a physical difference.

You know what I’m talking about here. Phantom of the Opera, anyone? Captain Hook? Darth Vader? Most disabled characters are either villains or just plain unattractive. Luckily, though, reality TV is growing out of that mold. This season of The Bachelor even features a contestant who, like me, has one hand. (I wrote about it on my blog last week). Sarah Herron fits in perfectly well with the other girls -- she’s thin, blonde and gorgeous. But it’s obvious that her difference is, well, different. She addresses it with bachelor Sean Lowe on their first meeting, saying that she hopes he won’t treat her as “disabled.”And he doesn’t. She proves herself to be a worthy contender in the running for Sean’s heart (or at least his highly coveted roses) Still, I think Sarah’s presence on the show marks a new era for disabilities in the media.

Representing people with disabilities on TV, especially on a dating show like The Bachelor, invites the audience to view them as normal people with full lives. It also allows the public to see them as totally datable. It’s fine for the other girls on the show to be jealous of the attention Sean pays Sarah, so why shouldn’t the rest of the world see her as just as likely to land a hot guy like Sean?

Essentially, my point is this: We ladies with disabilities are just like anyone else. We want to be loved and we want to be seen as lovable. But then again, that's what everyone wants, isn't it?

xoJane: Essay #3

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I'm quite excited to share my newest piece for xoJane. The topic? Well, needless to say, it's an issue that's near and dear to my heart. You can read the full essay here. What do you think, friends? xoxo

P.S. You can read my other essays here and here.